And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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