your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
