If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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