my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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