I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
