So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize