Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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