i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
