And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
