my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
