and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
