I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
