i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
