I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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