She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
