I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
