he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
