He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize