I cockslap morals
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
