She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
