there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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