Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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