she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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