I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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