just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We had to coat check the pizza.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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