he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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