I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
