apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
