He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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