You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
