I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
