If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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