She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
