girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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