i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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