u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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