Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
