If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
