you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
