Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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