They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
In other news, I just burned my penis
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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