I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
