if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
