flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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