i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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