Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
