between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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