I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
