Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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