I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
But break dance skills will only take you so far
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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