You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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