I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
