WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
