now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
