I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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