someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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