6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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