Where is the hickey?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize