I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
