I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
